A Night Out
Simon had always felt rather complacent. As a matter of fact, he saw himself as the embodiment of all that is mundane & boring & settled & conventional. Hence why he was going to a concert of the Lightning Seeds - they were, after all, the Britpop version of Dire Straits. He also went to the Lightning Seeds for a totally different reason. A subconscious one. A reason Simon hadn't thought of himself, but which had presented itself clearly to anyone who knew him: revenge. Revenge on his ex-girlfriend. Simon never thought much of the Lightning Seeds, but his ex-girlfriend (who went by the name of Renée) adored them. And they performed on Valentine's day. So while he used to send her a little card, this time he went to see a band he didn't like that much but which she couldn't go see. On Valentine's day. The though never entered Simon's head, he just wanted to have a good time out, but the facts present themselves clearly enough to be able to conclude this out of style concert going was a form of revenge on her.
But for whatever (sub)conscious reason Simon was going to the concert, he hadn't gone by unnoticed. Far from that, as a matter of fact, because it was more than an eventful evening. Simon thought it had rather the kind of feeling to it you could call 'heightened reality' or perhaps rather surreality. Alternatively, you could call it plain fiction. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter; it happened and that's all. Within time people will have forgotten all about it, as people do. The first time Simon was being noticed was on the train, where he made himself being noticed, which was some sort of reaction to a pregnant woman trying to get noticed by going into labour. There are a few problems with people (especially women) going into labour in a train. First of all, there's rarely a doctor about & most doctors would at least be one stop away. Second, trains weren't build to deliver babies - they're dirty and narrow and often crowded with people who might have diseases and who only get in the way. Trains also move most of the time you're on them and don't stop very easily. Besides, to stop in the middle of a field isn't going to do any good either. Pregnant women should not be allowed on trains, especially not after their 9th month, but this women did so anyway and - oh luck - Simon happened to be in the same compartment as this woman, who started to breath heavily after the second stop and then started to make odd noises which you don't really hear on television versions of women giving birth. As this woman started to be noticed by everyone in the compartment (there were 6 people all in all) Simon realised it might be time for some things to be arranged. He walked up to the woman and said: "Erm, are you going to have a baby by any chance? As in: right now?" The woman didn't answer Simon, but looked at him in such a way as to make him feel really really small and stupid. "Right." Simon said. "Okay, you, listen!" he shouted to two girls sitting in the next booth. "You go that way & look for a ticket inspector & someone with a cell phone and you go the other way to do the same. Get them to call an ambulance or something & inform the train driver." The girls looked at him in amazement, which slightly angered Simon. "Look, this woman's going to have a baby. Right now, yes? Well, so things need to be done. Come on! Hurry up!"
"But what can we do?" one of the girls (the smarter of the two) asked.
"You can go find a ticket inspector & someone with a cell phone and get them to call an ambulance, stop the train wherever is most convenient & generally help to make this a happy ending."
"Oh. Alright." the girl said and stood up. "Come on!" she said to the other girl and both walked off into the same direction.
Simon thought about what else he should or could do & realised the floor was dirty and the seats were filthy, so he put his coat on the floor and told the woman to sit on it, which she did after some hesitation & a lot of effort. There were still 2 more people in the train. One was an old man, the other an old woman. Fantastic. Simon thought. The old woman probably went through labour herself & could perhaps help her. "Does anyone have any experience in delivering babies?" he asked, looking at the old woman.
"Yes." both the old man & woman said.
"Excellent." Simon added. "You go over to her & have a look to see if your experience can be of any help."
The old man and woman stood up and walked over to the pregnant woman. "How are you feeling, honey?" the old woman asked.
"How do you think?" the pregnant woman sneered between shallow breaths.
Simon decided to walk through the train in the opposite direction the girls went to find a ticket inspector and someone with a mobile phone, meanwhile saying: "Two things, remember carefully. Two things, remember carefully," to himself. As he walked through each and every compartment people looked at him oddly. "Does anyone have a mobile phone?" he asked, but never there was a response. Entering a first class compartment a spotted a man in a suit, with a little case on his lap, going through papers. Bingo! Simon thought. He's the one I need. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to have a cell phone? There's a woman about to give birth in this train & I thought it might be a good idea to call for someone to be at the next stop." The man stared at him in disbelief. "Do you have a cell phone?" Simon asked again.
"Yes." the man answered.
"Good. Gimme."
"It costs 5 guilders per minute to call." the man added.
"Fine. Gimme."
The man handed Simon the phone & Simon dialled the emergency number. "112, when every second counts. May I help you?" a slow voice at the other end of the line said.
"Erm, I hope so. I'm on the train Alkmaar-Amsterdam between Castricum & Amsterdam Sloterdijk and there's a woman here about to give birth so I thought it would be a good idea to have someone ready at Sloterdijk when the train arrives there. Someone who could take care of business."
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't help you then. You should better call the services of the Amsterdam North department."
"Okay. What's the number?" Simon noticed that the man in the suit looked a Simon anxiously.
"Hold on a minute, sir. What's your name?"
"Simon Flexible."
"How do you spell that?"
"T-H-A-T Why do you want to know?" The voice hung up.
Great! Simon thought. Just great! There's no room for humour in an emergency service. "Hang on." he said to the man in the suit as he dialled the information number.
"Two minutes." the man answered
"0800-800 information service. Good evening." said a girl's voice over the phone.
"Good evening. Could you tell me the number of the hospital nearest Amsterdam Sloterdijk?"
"Do you have a name of that hospital?"
"I'm afraid not."
"In that case I'm fear I cannot help you. I need to have a name to look for."
"Okay, thank you." Simon hung up. "Damn!" he said. The man in the suit looked shocked and then said: "Three and a half minutes."
"Seventeen and a half guilders." Simon calculated for him just before he dashed out again, back to the pregnant woman. She was still breathing oddly & making weird noises at regular intervals. She was also no longer wearing her nylons, which lay drooped over the armrest of one of the seats. Simon's coat looked wet and rather unwearable, the way the pregnant woman was lying on it, with the old woman having her head up the pregnant woman's skirt and saying things like: "Okay, honey, take it easy now. Relax. Breathe." The old man was sat on the seat over which armrest the nylons were put & also tried to say the odd word, but all sounded rather dumb. The pregnant woman's head was quite red and didn't look at all friendly. The two girl were still missing, so Simon decided to look for them now, as he had no business where he was. He looked outside. It was dark of course, but he managed to see a sign saying 'Krommenie-Assendelft' and so he knew the train was approximately halfway through to the next stop. As he progressed through the seemingly endless train he saw the two girls, who were just on their way back, a ticket inspector following them. "And?" Simon said. The girls looked at the ticket inspector. "Are you the husband?" he asked.
"I'm the co-ordinator." Simon answered. "What's the SitRep?"
"I called the station who'll arrange for an ambulance. How's the woman doing?"
"She's fine for as far as I know, but I'd rather not take any chances with someone delivering on a moving train."
"Of course not. Where is she?"
"Down there, follow me."
Simon walked back again, wondering why on earth the ticket inspector was coming along as well. "Is he going to check whether the baby has a valid ticket or something?" The idea made Simon laugh and the ticket inspector and the girls looked at him in disgust. Simon felt the urge to go to the toilet. "I'll be right back." he said as he dived into the train's lavatory. Some things just can't wait. He thought as he realised what a totally dumb situation it was he was in. How totally unlikely. How totally surreal. How totally unusable in any kind of story. People would call you a liar. Laugh in your face. Spit on your grave. Terrible things. Simon decided to keep this quiet to everyone he knew, because he cared for none of the remarks he'd get. And they would ask dumb questions as well, like: "What's the woman's name?" "Where did she live?" Etc. No, Simon would pretend like nothing happened, though he realised that the evidence to verify his story would be visible on his coat. At least partially. Simon got cold without his coat on. He walked back to the compartment with the pregnant woman in it when the train entered the tunnel under the North sea Channel and the first thing he saw was that the woman, still looking pregnant, held a baby in her arms. Or baby, it looked more like a slimy ball of ectoplasm. Like something out of Ghostbusters. "It's a girl." the old woman said. "Congratulations." Simon said to the woman with the baby. "Does she have a name yet?"
"Ditte." the woman said, looking lovingly at the crying ball of human flesh.
"Cute." Simon lied. Then he noticed the ticket inspector lying unconscious on the ground. "He couldn't stand blood." the old woman commented with an air of superiority. Simon couldn't help but chuckle slightly.
The train came to a stop slowly as the ticket inspector came round again. "I must have passed out." he said embarrassed. "Some people can't stand blood. It's okay." the old woman said, helping the woman with the baby up on her feet. "Can you stand, honey?" she asked. The woman could, though a little spread-leggedly and rather wobbly, so she needed the support of the old woman. "Are you going to help me?" the old woman shouted to the old man. "Or am I going to have to do this on my own?" The old man walked over to support the woman a little as well. The ticket inspector stood up and, feeling important, told everyone waiting at the doors to please leave and wait at another set of doors, which they did.
Through the windows Simon saw that there were two paramedics waiting at the station and as the procession left the train he picked up his coat that was still lying on the floor and inspected it. It looked rather disgusting and wet, with strange coloured pieces sticking to it, slowly falling off. Simon felt rather sick inside seeing this and wiped the coat with some newspaper that was lying about. It got the sticky pieces off, but the coat still looked as if it had been drenched in some kind of thick liquid. However, since he was cold he didn't care too much and put it on anyway. The two girls, who were still on the train, looked at Simon with even more disgust than before, but he didn't care about them. His stop would be next & the concert would be in less than an hour, so he felt just fine as the train started moving again.