- There shall be no more films which have no plot. No more monsters levelling cities while viewers are wondering why. No more flicks which revolve around action sequences while leaving holes as big as Carnegie Hall in the plot. Nor shall there be films in which the entire human race is threatened. I'll have none of it. A fifty year ban on Jerry Bruckheimer films, the worst offender of them all.
- There shall be no more use of CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) only because it exists. This means no more films about living toys or monsters levelling cities at night while it rains.
- There shall be no more films about Ordinary Americans who become Heroes, or of any hero whatsoever. Worst offenders are those which use heroes-who-don't-want-to-be-heroes. No more people who are caught in extraordinary situations and suddenly find the skill and stamina to win the day (if not the world), and a twenty year ban on using Bruce Willis in such roles and a ten year ban on using Mel Gibson.
- There shall never be another film in which a washed up cop/fbi/cia/whatever-agent or Vietnam veteran battles with alcohol and a wife 'who doesn't understand' while the mafia/some drug lord kidnaps/kills some family member of his and he has to rescue/avenge them by killing everyone in sight (alternatively by winning the Vietnam war on his own). NEVER EVER!!! A ban for life on Jean-Claude van Damme, Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgren and the like.
- There shall be no more films in which two opposites who seriously dislike each other during the first half of the film suddenly find themselves in each other's arms. Get real!
- There shall be no more films which are based on a true story. Nor shall there ever be another film based on a television series or a comic book character. This is rather self-explanatory.
- Never shall another film be made which is a remake of another, already great, film. The results are always disappointing and nobody likes the remade version. They always flop. In a similar vein, there shall never be another film which takes place on water, as they are bound to bomb as well.
- There shall never be another sequel made which is exactly like the original, nor shall there ever be any 'director's cuts' of films which only change a couple of lines or add/delete a few scenes.
- Never, ever, shall an actor ever play a character who is of a different age than them. Kate Winslet at 22 playing someone who's barely 17, Dustin Hoffman playing a graduate at 34. This is not only tasteless, it's a disgrace. Also people who are made old with make-up (Tom Cruise in Born on the 4th of July) should never be seen on a screen again as that, too, is tasteless, not to mention surreal and scary.
- There is to be a ban for life on the following high-profile actors and directors:
Armand Assante, for being a terrible actor.
Dan Aykroyd, for being obese and not funny.
James Cameron, for pretending to be an 'auteur'.
Jeremiah Chechik, for raping every film he lays his hands on.
George Clooney, for ruining every film he plays in.
Kevin Costner, for being not funny and too American.
Tony Danza (self-explanatory)
Sam Eliott, for talking like he has a needle in his arm and having a moustache.
Roland Emmerich. One word: Godzilla. I hope I've said enough.
Harrison Ford (except as Indiana Jones), for never playing the bad guy.
Hugh Grant, for stammering in every film he plays in.
Tom Hanks, for being such an 'Ordinary American Hero'. Fuck off!
Perry King, for being an even worse actor than Armand Assante.
Michael Madsen, for pushing his Resevoir Dogs image way too far.
Demi Moore, for shedding her clothes three times too often.
Eddie Murphy, for being not funny.
Steven Spielberg, for being so fucking insincere while pulling the wool over everybody's eyes. Yuck!
Sylvester Stallone, for being the Kiss of Death for every character he plays.
Mary Steenburgen, for being sheer annoying.
John Travolta, for being too old and annoying.
ANY model, for obvious reasons.
Studios, producers and directors take heed! The Bottomless Pits of Bad Taste have been plummeted down far enough! I will not take this kind of abuse any longer! Hollywood, THIS MEANS YOU!!