A Christmas Tale, but Who Gives a Damn?
ACT II, SCENE I
(The month of Christmas. A cold evening somewhere up North in England. Enter Morris, Gayle & Patrick.)
MORRIS
(singing) Oh Come all Ye Faithful, etc.
GAYLE
Look at those stars! It's such a clear night. It's been a long time since I beheld such a sight! It's beautiful!
MORRIS
I see Orion.
PATRICK
I can see a sauce-pan.
GAYLE
What is that star there, shining so bright? It seems to be silverish, while all the other stars are blue of colour. Do you have any idea?
MORRIS
(looks around and tries to orientate which direction they're facing)
PATRICK
Isn't that the Pole Star? Which sailors used to find their way at sea in the days before the compass?
MORRIS
As a matter of fact, it's in East-South-Eastern direction.
GAYLE
It's the star which guided the shepherds and the three wise men from the East to the little Jesus.
PATRICK
But were not they instructed by an angel to follow the star?
MORRIS
Yes, however there does not seem to be an angel here with us to guide us.
GAYLE
(clears throat) Gayle, Gabriel, that's not too much of a difference I think.
MORRIS
You are no angel (starts singing) You're the Devil in Disguise, etc.
PATRICK
But where is then our cute little angel in white with floppy wings?
(enter Peter Gabriel)
PETER
I've been looking for you! Listen, and listen carefully. You are to follow this star in the South-East until it tells you where to stop. I tell you this directly from G-d. Make haste! Hurry! (exit Peter Gabriel)
MORRIS
What the f*ck? Are we supposed to follow this star now?
GAYLE
Which star? Peter or the other one?
MORRIS
Peter is gone, so we cannot follow him, but the other star, as you call it, is still here. If you allow for the distance to be overcome.
PATRICK
By all means, aren't we looking into the past by looking at these stars?
GAYLE
How do you mean?
PATRICK
Well, light takes a certain amount of time to travel a certain length of space. It is not entirely impossible that we are actually looking at a long burnt-out star here.
MORRIS
So?
PATRICK
So, if we follow this star we are following a guide from a distant past which may prove very inaccurate.
MORRIS
And what about Peter Gabriel then?
PATRICK
Coincidence.
MORRIS
Excusez moi?
GAYLE
I say that we should follow this star. From whatever past it might be. For all we know it is 2000 years old.
MORRIS
And wasn't Jesus born 6 years too early? And is it now not 1994? 6 years before the year 2000? This is more than just coincidence.
PATRICK
Actually, this is pretty cool.
GAYLE
Do any of you know where we are going to end up if we travel long enough in this direction? I, for one, don't have a clue as to where this star is directing us.
MORRIS
Well, if we travel for a few days we will end up in Wales. What could be in Wales?
PATRICK
Charles' illegitimate son?
GAYLE
We don't want that, do we? What if we go on even further?
MORRIS
First there will be sea, of course, then I think we end up somewhere in South-America. The Falklands.
PATRICK
Erm... I do not think I wish to go there now.
GAYLE
Me neither.
MORRIS
Don't you want to find out what is at the end of this road?
GAYLE
This road? This road will lead us home. We have been following it for quite some time now.
MORRIS
I meant the road the star points at.
GAYLE
Not if it ends up in South-America! Or Wales.
MORRIS
But are you not even a tiny bit curious about what might be found there? Don't you want to give little baby Jesus his little baby presents?
PATRICK
What is it we should give him then? What was given 2000 years ago?
MORRIS
I have no idea, something like Gold, Myrrh and Frankincense I believe. So we should bring him some Money, a few Joss Sticks and a pack of Huggies Ultra Thin.
GAYLE
I get the part about the Huggies, but what do you mean by joss sticks?
MORRIS
Well... incense, you know? myrrh and frankincense are pretty much the same as joss sticks. So I figured it would be a logical step.
PATRICK
Sorry for me interrupting, but are we, being students, not a bit on the poor side to be able to afford these things?
MORRIS
What did you have in mind then?
PATRICK
Since this Jesus, like the old one, is probably going to be born out of a virgin, it is the logical next step to get the kid some Virgin-stuff.
MORRIS
Like CDs, Cola and airCraft? And we can afford an aircraft? Or do you want to give him a radio tuned to Virgin 1215? I do not think you are completely with it. I still think my suggestions were more sound than yours. I ask Gayle.
GAYLE
I think that with our grant it is impossible to buy him anything at all, apart from a loaf of bread.
MORRIS
I am afraid that would not keep that long and we would be forced to eat it ourselves or throw it away.
PATRICK
I've got a brilliant idea. Let's just not go. Let's just go home and have a beer and a smoke and leave that nice star up there where it is.
MORRIS
Splendid idea. I agree totally. What you Gayle?
GAYLE
I go with you. Let's go home and get drunk.
(exeunt)
ACT II, SCENE II
(enter G-d, Peter Gabriel and Angels. G-d cannot be seen directly, for he is seated in a large chair behind a desk which faces away from the public. Peter Gabriel stands in front of the desk. The room is surrounded by Angels)
G-D
Yes, Peter, what is it?
PETER
Well, Mr. Jehovah...
G-D
IEHOVAH!
PETER
Iehovah, sir... It seems they decided not to go. I've tried, sir. Honest!
G-D
I know. I know everything. I'm a voyeur. Anyway, you haven't really tried, Peter. Try again. Do some threats or something. Say I'm gonna blow up their house. Or that they will never see the light of day again if they don't go. Tell them they'll go to Hell! Or wait! They didn't want to go because they didn't have any money, right? And because they were afraid they were going to end up in a stupid place, right? Well, hear me! Peter, you go down again and you will tell them....(ends in whispers)
PETER
Very good, sir!
G-D
I know. I know everything...
PETER
...You're a voyeur.
G-D
Yes. Now, p!$$ off! Go! And you too. Stupid floppy, white-winged sons of bitches.
(exit Peter Gabriel & Angels)
G-D
(takes out a miniature of Earth and scrutinizes it. Then he points his finger to a
patricular area) Poof! Hahahahahaha! (a little bolt of lightning shot from his fingers)
Poof! Poof! Hahahahahahaha! I never tire of this game! Poof! Hahahahahahaha!
(exit G-d)
ACT II, SCENE III
(enter Morris, Gayle & Patrick. They are all seated in comfortable chairs around a coffee table littered with cigarette stubs and empty beercans)
MORRIS
No wonder we don't have any money for joss sticks or diapers, really. Look at the table!
PATRICK
Could we drop the Jesus-bit now? Please! I've had enough of it!
GAYLE
Yeah, Morris, drop it. We decided not to go, so it's no use talking about it now.
MORRIS
But, aren't you curious? I really have the urge to follow that star! I want to see where it would lead us.
PATRICK
We already talkes about that. You said Wales or the Falklands and we didn't want to go there.
MORRIS
But still...
(there is a knock on the door)
PATRICK
Who the f*ck is that?
MORRIS
Maybe the landlord. Or a couple on a donkey, looking for a place to stay. I'll go.
(exeunt)
ACT II, SCENE IV
(enter Morris and Peter Gabriel. Peter holds a packet in his hand)
MORRIS
So it's you again? What is it you wish to tell us now?
PETER
I've been sent by G-d again to convince you of the importance of following that star! Please! Follow it!
MORRIS
Sorry, but we can't, really.
PETER
(angrily) If you stay here G-d will slay you down! Burn your house! Steal the light from your eyes! Condemn you to Hell! If you go you will be greatly rewarded!
MORRIS
Does it secure a place in Heaven?
PETER
It will secure you a lot more than that! I promise you!
MORRIS
Will we get money or power?
PETER
Money and power corrupt.
MORRIS
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, than where does that leave G-d?
PETER
Not another one of those! G-D isn't like you. He cannot be corrupted. But hurry! Time is running out. Go now! I will keep an eye out on your progress and help you in times of need. Everything you need will be provided. Honest!
MORRIS
The other people in this house really don' want to go. However, I'm willing to try and make the trip. If only I new where it would lead me.
PETER
I wish I could tell you, but that would spoil the surprise.
MORRIS
Can't you even give me a hint?
PETER
G-d would strike me dead on the spot if I would. G-d sees us now. G-d sees everything.
MORRIS
It seems to me that G-d is a voyeur! But like I said, I'm willing to go, but the others aren't.
PETER
That's why I brough this little thingy. (unwraps packet and a flaming sword appears) It worked before to convince soome people to leave.
MORRIS
Whoa! You're not actually going to use that, are you?
PETER
Only if I have to. Usually the sight of it is enough to make people do the will of G-d.
MORRIS
Well, I can't refuse you entrance into the house, so come in.
(exeunt)
ACT II, SCENE V
(enter Peter Gabriel, Morris, Patrick & Gayle. The same interior as in scene III)
MORRIS
It's Peter Gabriel.
PETER
I'm going to convince you in going to follow the star. Well, me and my flaming sword.
PATRICK
Have you gone nuts? Are you threatening us?
PETER
No, I'm not nuts and yes, I'm threatening you. Come on, don't be silly now. A lot of good depends on it. As a matter of fact, the future of the whole world depends on it.
GAYLE
Well... If you put it like that... We can't really refuse, can we?
PETER
I'm afraid not. Come on, get of your butts.
PATRICK
You want us to go now?
PETER
Yes. Stand up. (they stand up) and follow me, please.
(exeunt)
ACT III, SCENE I
(It's getting too long now, but I'm sure you can figure the rest out for yourselves.)